Why Have We Stopped Having Sex?

That is a question that shows up in couples therapy more often than you might think.

Sometimes the person asking it is frustrated. Sometimes they are hurt. Sometimes they are genuinely confused. And sometimes they are asking it while sitting three feet away from their partner on the couch, both of them staring very intently at me as though I might have a secret answer hidden somewhere in my therapist briefcase.

I don't. But I have a few leads.

Here's one: a decrease in sexual intimacy doesn't necessarily mean you've stopped loving each other.

Relationships change. Life changes. Bodies change. Stress changes. Priorities change. And, occasionally, the tiny humans we created decide that sleeping is an unnecessary luxury.

Sex is often one of the first things to disappear when life becomes overwhelming. And then something interesting happens: you stop having sex because you're stressed. You become more disconnected because you're not having sex. That disconnection creates more tension. The tension makes sex feel even less appealing.

And congratulations. You have accidentally created a cycle.

It's rarely just about sex

When couples tell me they aren't having sex, I usually want to know what else is happening in the relationship.

Are you fighting? Are you avoiding each other? Are you exhausted? Do you feel appreciated? Do you feel emotionally safe? Are there unresolved hurts? Are you carrying resentment? Do you feel desired? Do you feel rejected?

Most importantly, are you spending any time together that isn't about schedules, children, bills, chores, or deciding what everyone is eating for dinner?

Because sex doesn't exist in a vacuum.

For many couples — and this is SO important — sexual intimacy is connected to emotional intimacy. When we don't feel seen, understood, appreciated, or emotionally connected, it can become much harder to feel physically connected.

And sometimes — also SO important — the reverse happens too. When physical intimacy disappears, couples can begin feeling rejected or undesirable. They may stop initiating because they don't want to experience another "no." Eventually, both people may be waiting for the other person to make the first move.

And nothing happens. The intimacy, emotional and sexual, stalls. The relationship becomes a very polite standoff.

Desire isn't always spontaneous

Another thing that can complicate the conversation is the assumption that desire is supposed to arrive on its own, fully formed, at a convenient hour, preferably when the laundry is folded.

For some people, desire does work that way. For a great many people, it doesn't. Desire shows up in response to something — closeness, safety, attention, touch, being wanted, having a few minutes where nobody needs anything from them. It follows connection rather than announcing it.

That distinction matters, because couples often wait to feel like it before they do anything about it. If one partner's desire is responsive rather than spontaneous, waiting to feel like it means waiting indefinitely. Nothing is wrong with either person. They're just operating on different starting conditions and assuming they're on the same one.

Start with a conversation, not a scoreboard

If you want to begin repairing this, start by talking about what you miss. Not what's missing. Not what your partner is doing wrong. Not how often you think you should be having sex. Not a spreadsheet comparing this year to the glory days of 2017.

Talk about what you want.

"I miss feeling close to you." "I miss being touched by you." "I want to feel desired again." "I've been feeling rejected, and I don't know how to talk about it."

Those conversations can be vulnerable. That's the point. Intimacy requires vulnerability.

And rebuilding intimacy often starts long before you get into the bedroom. Put your phone down. Sit next to each other. Hold hands. Kiss without assuming it has to lead somewhere. Flirt. Laugh. Go on an actual date. Tell your partner something you appreciate about them. Touch each other without turning every touch into a negotiation for sex.

Create some space where you can remember that you are partners — not just coworkers running the world's least organized household.

And sometimes there is more going on

Sometimes a lack of sex is connected to something deeper. This is where things can get a little more complicated, but stay with me.

There may be unresolved relationship injuries, infidelity, anxiety, depression, body-image concerns, sexual pain, medication effects, hormonal changes, trauma, resentment, or significant differences in sexual desire.

Sometimes one partner wants more sex while the other feels pressured. Sometimes one partner wants less sex while the other feels rejected.

Neither person is the villain. You're two humans with two nervous systems, two histories, two sets of needs, and one relationship trying to contain all of it.

That's complicated. And complicated things deserve curiosity rather than blame.

If you've stopped having sex, you don't necessarily have a broken relationship. You may simply have a relationship that needs attention.

The good news is that intimacy can be rebuilt. It may not look exactly like it did when you first met. Honestly, it probably shouldn't. You're not the same people you were then.

Maybe the goal isn't to recreate the beginning. Maybe the goal is to create something deeper. Something that belongs to the two people you've become.

And if you aren't sure how to start that conversation, therapy can provide a place to begin. I work with couples in Salt Lake City, Utah, and I offer telehealth throughout Utah and Virginia.

Because sometimes the question isn't really: "Why have we stopped having sex?"

Sometimes the better question is: "What happened between us, and how do we find our way back to each other?"

If you're looking for therapy in Salt Lake City, Utah, I offer secure telehealth sessions for clients throughout Utah and Virginia. Schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if we're a good fit.